Monday, April 30, 2012

Of Endings and New Beginnings.

I was never fond of endings, because that only means whatever I have will be gone. 
I don't look forward to finales, because I sense nothing but goodbyes and severed ties. 
I evade "the final bow" because this connotes cutting whatever connections or communications I have.

But that changed when I met you. 

I try to avoid new beginnings, because that means I am back at step one, of whatever I am doing.n   
I don't look forward to fresh start, because as a blank slate, all will be starting from scratch, from nothing.
I hate starting again because that means whatever I have started before were all in vain that  I have to do it again.

But that changed when I met you. 

Now, I always look forward to every month end because that means two things:
(1) the current month is ending, and 
(2) a fresh new month is about to begin.

Ending of the month implies we spent 30 days of taking it one day at a time. 
Ending an old month means we survived 4 weeks of challenges of distance and of quality time,   
One full month connotes we held on to each other, for a month,  whatever Life present us with. 

A fresh month implies 30 more days of weaving dreams, and fulfilling them one day at a time.
A new month means 4 more weeks of proving how much you mean to me, and how you changed my life. 
Beginning another month means one more month of journeying life together, the two of us. 

You made me believe that endings are simply beginnings of better things. 
You also made me realized that beginnings are milestones of happy endings. 

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Lucky One.

It was December last year when you came into my life.

From Manila, I got you in a dog bag, and we were off for that 160 km stretch on our journey home. You were so active and perky at the start of the ride, but as we continue the trip, you fell silent and sleepy, maybe because of dizziness.

Dad and mom were so surpised to see you--the daschund pup that they only see on TV and internet is now at our own abode. You became their instant "apo".

They covered expenses for your  food, accessories, even the monthly shots necessary for your protection were all paid by my parents. I saw how happy they were when you respond to their call, and how worried they are every time they leave you at home.You became a family to us.

You grew so fast that in 4 months time you doubled your size. You were showered with much love and care that my parents gave unconditionally. To which, you reciprocated with very adorable and sometimes intriguing ways of appreciation--the ticklish lick, the bark you do when intruders are at our doorstep, the howl you create when you think no one is at home to check on you.

Last Sunday, when I learned you were sick, and that you haven't eaten for days, Mom has been calling friends and colleagues for a vet referral to have you checked. Only after hours that we were able to find one from references, and we brought you hurriedly to him for checkup and medication.

But luck was not on our side, we we're too late. You were already infected with the Parvo virus.

Just today, I learned that you let go of Life. You held on for days and waited for me to come home, to be with me for the last time.

I am sad that I didn't see you go.
I am unhappy that you left me so soon.
I am lonely because my parents lost you, their instant "apo".

But I am glad to let you go, that He, our Creator, will be taking best care of you.

When the time comes that my children,  and grandchildren ask about pets, I will surely tell our story and how lucky I am to have had you, even for a short yet meaningful and memorable time.

So long, my dear LUCKY.
Until we meet again.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Snow Flurry.

It is almost midnight, and I was woken up with the odd chilly temperature here in Cincinnati.*

This has been the coldest temperature I have been into. My phone's weather app dictated its -2 degrees Celsius.  I looked through the window, and it was raining.

 “That’s snow!” I gasped. I realized I am seeing it for the first time.

As I stared blankly at the dark sky, I realized I have been away from home for two weeks now.  And much like how the sky lets each rain drop-turned-ice fall, tears started forming and falling from my eyes. Inch by inch, the crystal clear drop of rain rushes to the ground but is slowly turning opaque. Opaque because the tears started to fall now, right on cue, as the chilly breeze blew gently on the trees outside.    
It reminded me of how I first met you, nine  years back. 
I was rushing to go home from doing an errand, when the rain suddenly poured heavily. With almost wet clothes and no umbrella, I ran to the nearest shed I saw. But as I reached that small space in that nearby store,  I saw you running towards that same space I aimed for. You smile when I got to the place first.  But I was so smitten by that smile that I asked you to share that small space with me—even if it means we will just be saving half of our bodies and clothes dry.
The Fall.
I noticed that as the droplets rush to fall to the ground, the wind scattered them as if trying to impede their eventual falling and sustaining them in the air a little bit longer. But these droplets eventually fell on the grounds.  I realized they are like frozen tear drops.  
Frankly speaking, you got me that very moment you smiled. After almost half an hour of rain, I learned that you are going to the mall near my place to catch a bus going home. I also learned that you were a nurse and the many things you did just so you can practice your profession and support your family.
 I invited you home to get yourself dry before you go your way and carry on—my way of spending a little more time with you and get to know you more.  In such a brief and weird place to meet someone, I realized we shared common grounds and interests. It tickles my mind when I toy with the idea that we grew apart, yet we were destined to meet, and share stories of how we were raised.
The End.

I rushed outside to see for myself snow, for the first time. But as I touch the ground and feel the coldness of the raindrops-turned-ice, they eventually melted and turned back to water that the ground slowly sipped.  
I was mending a broken heart the day I met you. But your presence made me forget that since then. But after nearly a year, I had to break your heart.  Not because I don’t feel anything for you anymore, but because you didn’t include me in your future plans—that one hurt me the most. It took me a painful 7 years to get over you.

That’s the snow flurry effect—opaque and frozen water crystals that were sustained in the air. It fell to the ground, and eventually liquefied, returning to where it all started.

And the cycle goes.
The feeling of seeing snow, gave me the shiver similar to the first time I touched your hand. That's the same feeling I had every time you call my full name that sounded so sweet. That's what brings butterflies to my stomach every time I got to meet you and be with you.
 But the eventual meltdown of it reminded me of a colorful world that was crushed -the happy, bright and sunny day I knew turned into the gloomy, dark and rainy and cold weather. 
I still think ourstory could have been beautiful.  But I'm thankful that you drove me away. I found a new story to tell the world, and I know this new story will be more beautiful than ours. 

ed's note:

That is the past. 
And that is where it will always be.
*Written November 2011 while at Cincinnati, Ohio, USA

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

All that matters.

Fireworks has always fascinated me. 

Ever since I was young, I always look forward to new year celebrations because that's the only time that I can see fireworks displayed magnificently in the sky. 

I would always be amazed by the transformation of a "kwitis" to an amazing rocket ship that launches itself from the ground until it ultimately reached its peak in the sky, and burst into glittery lights. 

I would always question where and how the "fountain" gets the energy to radiate and throw away sparks of colors from that little upside-down cone. 

I would always ask Mom and Dad "why can't we have a daily fireworks display?" and to which I would always get the answer "because, son, if it would be a daily thing, you would not be as excited,  as amazed,  as starstruck as you are every new year."

With such a limited exposure to fireworks, I always dream of taking photos of it. 
So when I learned there was a pyromusical competition at the SM Mall of Asia 3 years ago, I made it a point to watch the show and freeze the moments when the colorful lights lit up the dark skies.  These fireworks always bring back childhood memories of amazement and joy.

With the same eagerness as when I was a child, I booked the two of us reserved seats for this year's Pyromusical competition. I felt ecstatic that we'll be in  very good vantage point for the whole show. 

But as the pyrotechnic competition commenced, and I started clicking the shutter, I started to  walk towards the bay and found a better view of the fireworks.  I was so engrossed in taking pictures that when the first part of the show ended, I was already far from where I left you. 

I walked back towards you in that reserved seat.I realized I booked this event because I wanted to spend time with you. I sat beside you, held your hand and smiled while making a mental note to myself:

Never mind that I will not be on that better vantage point to capture photos. 
I don't care if there will be silhouettes of people in the framed lights in the sky. 
It doesn't matter that the shots will not be gorgeous enough to merit a second glance. 

Because all that matters now is you. 

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Real Virtual Friends.

"Kuya, please come to the hospital. I met an accident."

My heart beat suddenly rose from its usual 52 count to nearly a hundred when I heard my sibling's voice on the other line trembling.

I rushed to her not knowing what really happened and was only guided by the fact that she is in ER alone.

I arrived half an hour later leaving significant amount of uncompleted task at work to attend to my sister.

I was relieved seeing my cousins already there. They came to the rescue when my uncle called them upon hearing the news from me. My cousins related that my sister has a crucial fall in Buendia-Taft while trying to catch a bus going to Makati CBD. And that, this fall might result to a dislocated elbow or worst, a fracture.

An hour in the waiting area seemed like eternity. When I finally heard the doctor's assessment, I became uneasy--he will do a manual reduction to bring back the humerus (the upper arm bone), the ulna (the larger bone of the forearm) to its original position.

Seeing my sister cringe every time feels like a dagger is being buried deeper into  my heart. 
I wanted to just doze off and wish that this is all a dream. But reality bit me hard and I can't do anything but  to hold on to Faith and let Him do His miracles.

Six hours in the ER, 3 re-aligning and x-ray sessions were carried out. After finally settling the bill, we were discharged and sent home.

During this ordeal, a few people reached out.  And I realized most of these who got my phone ringing in the waiting area are people I have met online. I have shared my life through this past year that I made virtual relationships turn into real ones.

I might not be able to discuss this personally but through this post, I wish to share this story to all of you in its entirety. 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Photos and Me.

They say a picture paints a thousand words. And so I started capturing moments and  freezing time. 

My daily notes until I find you.

Way of showing how much I care.

I'll tell you what you mean to me, daily this February

But after compiling all of these memories, I realized I just wanted to convey 3 words. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

An odd Valentine's gift

I had drawn a picture of you and me spending this day together walking in the beach holding hands and teasing one another. 

I had painted us in a dinner date on a hotel rooftop overlooking the cityscape at night while sharing a good wine and the story of how it all began for us. 

I had imagined just the two of us snuggling in bed waiting for the sunrise to touch our faces and being able to see your eyes first thing in the morning.  
Sadly, none of these will happen this hearts day.  For reasons beyond my control, these things will just be drawn, painted or imagined in my mind for the mean time. 
I really do not know how to make this extra special for you and me. 
I didn't bring with me any flowers to offer you nor did I order online for flower delivery. 
I didn't bother buying that heart-shaped chocolates at the mall for you to munch on. 
I didn't even take time to think for a special gift wrapped in fancy paper to surprise you.

I only have this note scribbled while waiting for you for dinner. 

Today, I would just like to realize one of your dreams--to dine in at Dampa. This place, you told me, you never had been and that its your wish to eat here and try the different viands this place has to offer. 

As we take this journey one day at a time, I would like us to achieve your dreams, my dreams and our dreams together. 

As we look forward to the future, let's plan and work towards our goals as individuals and as a couple. 

Our journey has just started. I do not promise a smooth sailing travel. But bear in mind I will be with you no matter how tough it gets. 

And for all these, I want you to know, and I have a lifetime to prove, how much I love you. 

Happy Valentine's day.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Fight for Love.

We started the Chinese new year with a bang--the "bang" that I wasn't expecting.
Your words, triggered the fountain, not of fireworks, but of fired words I have thrown back at you.
Our deafening silence after that argument seemed so much louder than any firecrackers ever ignited.

I realized we let miscommunication and misunderstanding overtake a happy and joyous start of the year of the water dragon.

Fresh from a heated conversation, I saw these kids.
And I was reminded of an advice from a good friend: "in whatever circumstance you are in, do not let negative vibes ruin you."

"Ask yourself this question", he continued, " the words said, acts done, or messages conveyed, do they outweigh the affection you have?"

And I was silenced. The kids in front of me, no matter how much disagreement they have, they always end up in good terms. Even if they fight over certain things, here they are eating snacks together. They may say nasty things and do crazy things, but in the end, they laugh together as if nothing terrible happened.

I knew then that I have to make it up to you. I am sorry for hurting you.

Whatever arguments we have, there are no words that would match "I love you."
Whatever we do to hurt each other, there is no better act than kissing and cuddling you.
Whatever hate messages we expressed, nothing beats showing our  gestures of love.

Miel, let's leave yesterday behind as we start a new month together.
Keep holding my hand as we face more challenges.
Do not give up no matter how tough things go.
And never let go, because I won't.

Let's journey life together, one day at a time.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Square One.

The last time I saw that smile of yours was 3 years ago. 
But things changed since then. 

All because I fell for you. 

It wasn't love at first sight. But it hit me so deep, I always looked forward to every connivance the universe did for us to meet, work together, laugh together,  anything just to be together.

I came to the point that my day wouldn't be complete without at least receiving a "hi" or at least a smiley from you, when opportunities to be with you seemed scarce.

When I had the courage to tell you the affection I had for you, we started to drift apart. You started to avoid me. You didn't want me more than a friend. 

You thought it is just proper to at least restrain the ties that we have. 
Since then, I lost the chance to see that winsome smile that caught my heart. 

I tried so many times to win you back. But you kept me outside your world most of the times. 

And  so, I let you be. 
Its difficult being ignored, since I experienced happy moments with you. 
Its hard accepting I was insignificant  to someone I had valued dearly. 
Its challenging to manage a smile and pretend everything is okay, when inside I am deeply in pain and hurting. 

I saw that smile again today. 
And I am glad I was able to bring that smile back into your face. 
It seemed like I am transported back to the first day I first met you. 

Now that we are back to square one, the much wiser me will now carry on.


ed's note:

I write things when I am ready to share them to the world. 
Now, that we are much older and wiser, I realized the things and people we want in our lives aren't always the things and people we need to live. 
Rekindling this friendship took me years, so I will never do anything detrimental to sever it again. 

Sunday, January 1, 2012


It's been a while since I last scribbled down my thoughts on things. Since the time I reacquainted myself to capturing moments and freezing time, I seldom use words to convey my feelings. 

I am trying to recall why I started writing years back... and I can only think of one thing--so that I will have something to go back to and read when the time comes that even my name I can no longer recall.

Today, as we start a new year together, I am writing something to remind me of our story.

Some months back, I started to write to my #DearStranger, I wrote a record of my daily life and my fervor wish to share it with You--an unnamed person that I know I am one day closer to meeting.

That stranger I had been waiting for finally came into my life, and that is you. 

I started this journey with you with a promise that we will take it one day at a time. 
As I try to recall the year that was, we managed to pass through different challenges that came our way-- time zone differences, financial constraints, peer pressure, overwhelming workloads and some miscommunication and misunderstandings. 

I know we will still encounter challenges this year, but  whatever it is that we will be going through, as long as we are together holding hand supporting each other, I know we will survive with His guidance and blessings. 

The day I found you is the day I found my place under the sun. 
The time you said yes, is the time I told myself my life has began.   
The moment your lips touched mine is the moment when I saw fireworks in the sky.

Happy New Year.

Friday, November 11, 2011


Meet #SuperEd. 

I was hoping to buy this toy online when I first got here, but unfortunately my card exceeded the limit.

And so for the past two weeks, I got on with my routine --hotel, work, hotel. 

Just today, from a hectic day at work, adding that gloomy weather of "Fall-going-to-Winter", when all the leaves have fallen and the temperature gets colder each passing day, it is surprising to know that I got a package waiting for me at the front desk. 

I got the bulky package, and its from @jayronan. (

I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to  spend the weekend on the eve of Halloween at NYC , but  I was not able to because of the early snow. The plane I was in re-routed to Detroit instead of NYC, and I missed the chance to see IG friends @jayronan, @m3nchu, @hawttamale,  @knightrn, @divamom, @eks05 and @ka_tiu.

As I reached my hotel room, I slowly unpacked the box.  I had goosebumps when I saw what is in the package.  I was already teary-eyed as I brought out #SuperEd--the toy I dreamt of buying which is now right in front of me. 

Truly, God has His ways of making things possible. We may not be able to comprehend His ways and means, but I can attest that He provides us the things we need, in His proper time. 
Thanks much for making this happiest day yet in my stay here in the US @jayronan.

God bless! 

ed's Note:

Truly, God has an awesome sense of humor. He didn't give me the toy I was wishing to have, instead He provided me with a friend. 
And that friend, surprised me with this toy.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Hindi inaasahan na sa iyo'y malalayo ng ganito katagal, 
Sa aking pinuntahan ikaw lagi ang hinahanap, aking Mahal. 
Sa layo ko sa iyo, sa mga mata niya ako'y nakatitig, 
ngunit ang naaalala'y mapupungay mong mata, Pag-ibig.

Sa labi niyang mapula ako'y tila nahahalina
pero ang iyong mga labi, ang nais talagang madama. 
Nais ko sanang haplusin ang kutis niyang porselana
ngunit ako'y mas nananabik na mapalapit sa 'yo, Sinta 

Ang kanyang kamay na giniginaw, hahawakan ko sana,
ngunit ang iyong kamay ang nais kong damhin sa tuwina.
Hindi mahirap na siya na lamang ang yakapin at hagkan ko, 
ngunit ikaw, tanging ikaw, ang sigaw nitong aking puso.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Pangarap Ko.

kong kumuha ng litrato
ng magagandang tanawin,

ngunit hindi
 yung ako lang ang nandun.

kong maranasan ang kultura
ng ibang mga bansa,

subalit hindi
yung maranasan yun na solo lang.
kong sumakay ng eroplano 
at barko
para libutin ang buong mundo,

pero hindi
yung gagawin iyon na nag-iisa.

Ang tanging inaasam, ninanais at pinapangarap ko ngayon?

Maipakilala ka na Niya sa akin. 

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Compare and Contrast.

Gaya mo,
unang pakilala pa lang,
hindi ko na maialis ang mga mata ko sa expressive eyes  niya.  

Pero di gaya mo,
hindi pa niya ako napapaiyak,
ni hindi pa napapatawa.

Gaya mo,
kakikitaan din siya
ng magagandang mga ngipin at ngiting nagpapakilig sa akin.

Pero di gaya mo,
ang mga usapan naming dalawa,
sa ngiti nag uumpisa at doon natatapos na rin.
Gaya mo,
kung magwork siya pukpukan talaga,
“never say never” yata ang motto niya!

Pero di gaya mo,
nauunahan niya akong pumasok,
may matamis na ngiti pa kapag ako’y nasilayan na.

Gaya mo,
yung mga katangian
kung bakit na-fall ako dati, sa kanya ay nakikita ko…

Pero di gaya mo,
ang kwentong "Siya at Ako"
nagsisimula pa lang, malayo pa sa kwentong 'Ikaw at Ako'

Gaya mo, 
may nabubuong kwento
na araw-araw ay aabangan, pagdadaanan.

 Pero di gaya mo,
ang bagong kwentong ito,
hahayaang Tadhana na ang gumuhit at bumuo.  

Monday, February 28, 2011


Crossing fingers and crossing the bridge.”

That’s what your status read.

What started as a simple, “Hello there!”  two weeks ago became a frequent exchange of messages in PingChat.  

The touch pad didn’t become a hindrance to keep our communication open. Not long after, we resorted to Skype and Viber  because the chat application never sufficed anymore.

And then just this weekend, we both agreed to meet and get to know each other more.

I don’t know what made you so interesting in my eyes and so pleasant to hear in my ears. But whatever it is, it sure made me do one thing crazy—travel more than 120 miles just to see you and be with you.

So here I am, about to take the bus to Baguio… crossing my fingers and crossing the bridge. 

Monday, January 31, 2011


No, these are not the people that belongs to India’s caste system. These are not the people who are required to perform tasks that are considered so impure.

I have my own set of untouchables.

These are the people I always talk to. These are the friends to whom I share my thoughts and dreams. These are the persons that I show concern and love.

Yet I cannot even hold their hands during the moments that it is mostly needed. Nor give them a tap on the back during times that a push is needed. Nor hug them tightly because words do not suffice.


Because I only see these people online and I can only be with them on cyberspace. Aside from LOL, ROFL, WB, TC, XOXO and the expressive smileys, I have nothing but archived messages and status updates showing how much I care and how it was reciprocated —it may be written using my cold keypads  but I am hoping it reaches them with warm feelings. 

Friday, December 31, 2010


Tunog retro, ngunit para sa akin, mas malalim pa ang ibig sabihin niyan.

Dude ang tawag ko sa mga kaibigan kong naging sandalan ko nitong nakaraang taon:
  • Kasalo sa tanghalian, kakwentuhan, at sa buong araw  ay kahalakhakan.
  • Kasabay sa pagpunta sa gym, katabi sa pagtakbo sa treadmill, pati sa locker di nag iiwanan.
  • Kasama mag window shopping, o kaya sa Banchetto, pati nga sa mga travels out-of-town.
  • Kapatid sa kaadikan sa “kodakan” --mapabeach man or kahit san pa yan!
My Lunch Dudes and me.
  • Kapusong totoo, mapa “cafĂ© mocha” man yan or sa trip na sine or gimikan!
  • Kapamilya ko sa pagdadamayan -- sa problema, sa inuman at sa gastusan!
  • Kaibigan ko silang di malilimutan, di ipagpapalit kanino man!
Dude ang tawag ko sa mga kaibigang hindi ko man kadugo,  ngunit parang kapuso, kapatid at kapamilya kung ako'y pahalagahan.

Dudes enjoying Boracay

-Ed's Note:
Dudes, this isn't goodbye. This is just "until we meet again".

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Crazy Things I Did, All for Love.

  • Grabbed the chance to save money, by making M’s brother (who happened to be my classmate) the courier in my correspondences with M.
  • I bought a gift for on our first monthsaryThe gift (a figurine) was named after me. She treated Ed Jr as our son. (He is now 10 years old!)
  • Broke up with M, because I chose to be a good son than a good boyfriend. (I followed my parent’s advice to finish studies first. )
  • Stunned by V’s personality, I planned to court her. But later retracted after knowing my friend is also smitten by her beauty. He later became my best friend. And V? She got married eventually.
  • Tried to jump off the Ayala Bridge when I found out I am just a ‘reserve’ boyfriend for C.
  • Met X when I tried to jump off the bridge.

  • Broke up for apparently no reason, so X will leave and pursue a promising career offshore.
  • I didn’t court anybody for years since then.
  • When I finally decided to move on, I made personalized Sunday reflection messages (for almost 3 months) that contains JZ’s name as acronym. (The name has the letters J and Z in it, making it harder for me to make an acronym every week)
  • Sported a semi-bald hairstyle when I learned JZ has a boyfriend all the while I am doing this. 
  • Asked all my contacts to anonymously greet Y  a happy birthday, but this angered Y who missed all the greetings coming from the ‘real’ friends.
  • Learned Photoshop through online tutorials so I can edit the pictures of Z, and publish it daily for a rating of 1 – 10. I only got 9 as the highest, though.
  • Scribbled all thoughts that comes to mind about love unrequited, efforts unappreciated, and time wasted whenever fangs of depression eats me—thus this blog.  :-)

Sunday, November 7, 2010


I was browsing through my old notes when I saw this letter.

Jun 19, '08 10:12 AM

Almost three years have passed after our last fight--a fight that ended our 8-month old relationship.

My memories of that fight are vague already that I can’t even remember what we had argued about. What I remember is that I promised myself I will not enter into such relationship again. That never will I try to have someone come close to me as much as you did.

And so, I journeyed life taking all my experiences with you as a guide. I met a few people along the way.

I met Pharmacist. But things didn’t work out for us.

I had gone crazy over LBS. I sent personalized messages to this student . But I guess I was not meant to be the Right Man.

I let others fill the space in my heart that has been left vacant by you. But that space wasn’t filled up. People come and people go, some made me laugh, some gave me joy.

But they do not measure up to the happiness I found in you.  They can not even be compared to joy I feel when I am with you. I can’t even wear the smile I have when I am with you, in cases when I am with any of them.  They can’t make me laugh the way you do.

Seeing you walking towards me last nightmade me realize that after all those years of not seeing you,  of not being with you, time hasn’t changed the way I feel. I still am in love you.

Glancing at you while you were slowly bridging the distance between us made me realize…
…that in my pursuit for happiness, it was in you I am thinking of.
…that in my deepest moments, it was your company I am missing.
…that everything I search for someone to be there for me, it was you I was looking for.

Can we start all over again, mahal?

Still in love with you,


ed's note:

As what I have written on my tumblelog, 
If there was one thing I am thankful for ‘us’, that was we created very beautiful memories together.  I may not have framed every moment with you with my lens, but I have it all sketched in my mind and forever etched in my heart. 
Yes, I had lost you along my journey, but you left with me some things that I will always be grateful for.